"...if you can't control the beast that dwells inside it will find its place somehow, somewhere in time..."

Suppression is hard. Being judged is hard. Being forced to be someone you're not is hard. Living in a world of ignorance is hard.

I've read books and watched movies about things of such nature. I always thought about how if I was in that situation, I would stick to who I was, I would not care what other people thought of me. I realize, though, that where you live has a huge impact.

New York City is lively and diverse. You can find a strong pride for every race, religion, culture, sexuality, you name it. There are neighborhoods for EVERYTHING and everyone yet it's diverse where ever you go.

Davie County, not so much. Southern and Midwestern states (sorry to be stereotypical, but it's the truth) tend to be much more conservative and hush hush about anything or anyone that may "rock the boat". That's where all those heartbreaking stories of fighting suppression in the struggle for self-discovery come from.

Davie County, North Carolina is where I am now. I've never had a more depressing revelation. I, who live in New York City, am only staying for 2 weeks and are already expected to be different, feel the pressure to succumb to "normal" society. It's really hard. So much talk of hate towards Mexicans and black people, gay people, people with tattoos and piercings, people who marry someone different, hatred toward other countries, degrading speak of anyone who is not a white, straight, Christian. Even degrading and ignorant talk about women.

I feel like everything I do is wrong and nothing I do will be enough to win the respect of those around me. I have to win every badmitton game I play, every fight I have with my cousin (all in fun, I promise), lift everything, clean everything, do things that are painful or take a lot of strength and courage just to prove myself worthy. Just to prove that I'm not some stuck up city girl. Just to prove that I'm not a scared prissy girly girl. Just to prove that women can be just as strong as men, do just as much. But it only goes so far.

One slip of the tongue, one failure, one flaw, one crack in my armor is filled with sarcastic and demeaning comments, laughter, the dark enjoyment of watching me fail to show the world all that I am [not].

The jokes, the laughter, the "good humored" remarks wear away continuously at people's pride. I understand how people who live and grow up in these places wear painted smiles and sing bulletproof notes of joy.

When I meet friends and family, walk down the street, people stare with cold judgmental eyes. The air is thick with lies, gossip and hidden feelings blanketed with carefree ignorance. It makes me want to cry when everything anyone says has the same tone, the same intention. Words are carefully cropped to fit into the mold of society and not show feeling. Feelings and thoughts are carefully locked away. Conversations go no deeper than your skin. The worst, sickening part is that there is no escape. When you tell your friends a secret, you leave out what they shouldn't know. When an idea sparks in your head, you can't tell mommy the whole thing. If you feel bad about doing something, you mention it with no real strength, no intention. Every emotion is locked inside and no one every tells the real story, not even when it matters. Not even to themselves.

No wonder being different is out casted. Wearing, thinking, saying, etc. different things is a way of expression. Showing how you feel. Unacceptable. It's a world of painted smiles and glass eyes living in a field of fear in the dark, overgrown with ignorance, lost ambition and dreams long dead and buried. Eat, work, farm, drive, smile, sleep, and avoid the opinions and ideas burning in your head. Fear the unknown=avoid the unknown=ignorance=lazy selfishness.

Ignorance stops progress. Ignorance kills love. Ignorance is the root of dysfunction. Ignorance hurts the educated. Ignorance is easy. Ignorance is safe (or at least we can pretend it is). Ignorance causes pain. Ignorance causes conflict. Ignorance is Satan's discrete and virtually undetectable way of causing havoc, hatred and war.

Ignorance is absolutely selfish.